Dear Zombie Goldfish Producers,

If crackers weren't inherently dry to the core, these would be oozing right now.

If crackers weren't inherently dry to the core, these would be oozing right now.

Dear Pepperidge Farm / Zombie Goldfish Producers,

I have been an avid Goldfish Cracker eater for the major chunk of my 24 and a half years (because lets face it, most of your target audience measures their age in fractions) where I've been able to consume solid foods (so, for most of it). As such, I believe I'm well qualified to identify when a particular cracker is, or is not, a true "Goldfish." Thus when I purchased a large 30oz-could-probably-feed-one-average-sized-family-for-a-month-but-I-can-burn-through-in-like-a-day sized carton at my local supermarket a month or so back, I was extremely disappointed at what I found to be the contents of this box.

For a product whose first ingredient is allegedly "smiles," I can only dub these creatures as Zombie Goldfish. Not only are they not the snack that smiles back until one bites their heads off, but these satanic creatures are emblazoned with an eerie encircled plus sign that I can only discern must be the mark of some diseased cult or hoard (or the mark from the production machine that squirts out the dough into the fish shaped molds, but where's the fun in that?). Not only do these grotesque creatures make up the large portion of my carton, they're extremely dense (not just of wits!) and unpleasant to taste, although for the sake of this letter let's pretend that I dared not to consume them, lest I contract their mutilated disorder (or accept the manufacturing malfunction -- again, boring).

Lame filters make Zombie Goldfish look creepier. Sort of.

Okay so here's how they really look. #nofilter

*Cue cheesy horror movie music* ... GET IT?!

So, Pepperidge Farm, I don't know if the pretzel is really winning that race, but I do believe if left to their own devices, these mutilated fish are slowly turning the plenty of other fish in the box-sea to their dark orange side. Before we know it, they may just start biting EACH OTHER's heads off, before we even get a chance to! How cruel would it be to rob us of that?

If you can find it in your hearts, please stop this madness from continuing! Only you have the power to take this delicious snack, this snack that should spread more smiles such as those they are typically baked with, and use that power to make others satisfied and smiling, rather than scared and confused. Can you only imagine if I were an innocent child opening this box, and the fear and dread that would have consumed me, had I not the sense to withdraw and shutter from their abhorrent visage? Save the children Pepperidge Farm, save the smiles, and save the Goldfish before others befall the same fate! I fear the snack may become the one who bites our heads off...

Sincerely,

A Soon to be Zombie Goldfish Consumer (a.k.a. Neila)